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This is my first time came across of the phrase... and it hurted me...

This woman said, 'He fell out of love with me, I didn't.' I think I know how she felt...

It is hard to imagine how/why love comes and then love goes... Not for me...

The guy said, ' the guilt will only go on the day when she finds another guy'...

Guilt is not necessarily equal to care...

In a relationship, I am the blind one...

Sometimes, I blame myself...

I thought, if I love him, he would love me too...

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Fabulous double decked Edinburgh bus drivers decided to have a strike this weekend, i.e. no buses running in Edinburgh at all. There is another bus company in Edinburgh but their bus routes do not cover a very big range. The weather on Sat was awful so I decided to stay in the flat, plus a guy is coming to see the flat at 7pm. I gave the flat (and my room) a big cleaning and I baked banana scone! How good is that?! The guy is all right. He is from London, a bit shy but seems to be nice. He reminds me about another friend called Michael (similar accent). After he left, we (3 girls) had a discussion. Basically, three of us are single (Natalia's bf has gone back to US and they decided to 'take easy'). Three single girls and one OK looking guy... hm.... not so good idea. But we will see. I feel I can live with him. But there will be no more walking to shower with nothing on but a towel.

Sunday turned out to be a nice day. I was wearing wooly jumper and socks a day before (and still looked purple). I can't stand staying in the flat doing nothing. So I decided to walk to the lab (one hour each way). Believe me, it is a long way. Two other PhD girls were working in the office as well. I have a very bad habit: I can't concentrate when there are people beside me. So instead of marking around on computer as I always do if I was by myself, I went to look at my RNAi transfected slides. Very interesting result, but I should check again before I become too happy (this has happened a couple times. Over joyed and then found out it was a false result. I've learnt my lessons). Keep it quiet till you are really sure about it, otherwise you are just causing yourself unnecessary troubles. (Group members hate you when you have good results), sad, I know...

Then I went for a swim! I arrived when there were hardly anyone in the pool (me and another person!) The pool is fabulous!!!! (no smelly chlorine which makes your skin rash. The pool uses 'ozone' for cleaning. No smell at all. Actually, the pool smells very perfumery.) Lifeguard was bored and said hello to me (and almost made me drown! I can't talk while I am swimming!) I was going to swim for 20 lanes (5 km) but stopped at 16 because I realised the lifeguard walks faster than I swim!! (haha!) So I went to the steam room for 10 min, followed by a warm wash to wash away the waste, then another 10 min of sauna, followed by a cold shower to close the pores. I need this to get rid off the alcohol/cigarett from pub night on Friday.

Here comes the worse part, I am tired and feel relaxed (you know the feeling after exercise) but now I have to find my way home. There is no other way except walk (and it is uphill!) I can see castle, standing high on the hill. After I get to castle, it is only half way. And I made it: and I was hungry!

Russian flatmate made this wonderful mushroom pie and it is for us to sample. It is the best pie I ever tasted! I still cooked curry (the only thing I am good at cooking) and had curry with Veronica.

Now it is 10:45pm and I want to go to bed, although I have to catch up on some yeast two hybrid reading. Perhaps I will wake up eariler tomorrow and do the readings before I go to work. It is another busy day but lots connection with people. Sometimes I feel I have to 'physically' switch on the socilising switch as soon as I step into the building (put a smile on the face, chat to people, make jokes etc). Do I have autism? maybe... Actually, autism might be a form of extrem where our brain tries hard to make it like a 'male' brain. I am too sleepy to expand on this paragrah and should stop here. Bye for now.

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To celebrate my birthday, we went out for a meal. I was wanting to have food and then go home and chill out.  The night out eating almost turned into a hen's party!

I have never drank this much in my life. I wasn't feeling too well before we went out. There are some serious problems between my supervisor and me and I felt depressed. We got to the pub, and I drank a bottle of Spanish beer very quickly. Normally, a bottle of beer would knock me off.  We waved goodbye to people who can only make for a drink and jumped on the bus heading to an Italian restaurant.

We ordered food and a bottle of wine to share between four people. Glass got emptied very quickly. We ordered another bottle of wine. Drank very quickly. Then we ordered dessert with alcohol (brandy and vodka). Drank/eaten very quickly. I was quite drunk already. The last thing caught at the corner of my eye before we headed to a pub was a waitor spoon-feeding one of a female customers sitting at the table beside us.

Before I can do anything, the cork of a bottle of champaign was popped! Great atmoshpere! By the time when I had another top-up of the champaign, I was at the verge of throwing out.

Then the ballon came out, it went very wild! The ballon! (Oh dear....) I had to cover it with my jacket to take it with me back to the flat across the road.

Straight into bed, unconcious.

Managed to drag myself to the lab and did some experiments at 9:30am, rather impressed.

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There is another good news in the lab!

Simon and Sebby engaged in the weekend!  They are the fifth good news happened in the lab since New year!  They say good things come in 3 or 7. We have 5 now. So, there will be two more!

I know Simon! He was writting up his PhD thesis when I first started. I thought he is a quiet person but he proved me wrong. Ginger hair, glasses, funny Manchester accent, but insists to enjoy the very fine of life (e.g. nice car and flat!) He went through a lot in the past year. Simon's mum was diagnosed with breast cancer and passed away within 6 months time. She was so young. I witnessed Simon's grief during that time. Luckly, Sebby was there with him. And Simon recovered very quickly.

I saw a big change in Sebby too. Before they started going out which was just over a year ago, Sebby looked OK but now she is glowing! She looks happy, healthy, and shinning. It is amazing how love can do to a person. 

Simon took Sebby out camping. It was pouring down and they were in the tent. Suddly, Simon got down to one knee and propsed! (how romantic!!!) The ring (gorgeous, a big diamond) was wrapped in paper with a note on it saying, 'I owe you a ring'. That is so sweet!

I guess I have recovered well enough from my heart-breaking experience. I felt really happy for them when I first heard the news but felt I am missing out something when I was alone later on. Lorna, who just broke up with her boyfriend who she has gone out together with for over 6 years, almost broke into tears when she heard the news. Poor thing. It is not easy. The first 6 months after I broke up with him, I would become tearful when I saw teddy bears holding hearts or red roses. That is how much love hurts. 

It is getting harder and harder to find people go to pub with or watch movies because most of them have got their wee committment (baby or the other half). And I am still alone.

That is enough for today. Bye for now.

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It is the Monday of Victorian weekend- holiday.  Lab is still packed with keen students/scientists! I slept in till 10:30 this morning and treated myself with a nice breakfast. Nice breakfast means I sat down and ate food properly (instead of shuffling in whatever I can grab!) Off I went!- to the lab of course!

I have been walking to the lab for weeks (didn't see any significant changes in my weight) but I am conveinced that I am slightly fitter. Now I can walk up the stairs from basement (where my office is) to 3rd floor (where the lab is) without needing to use oxygen mask.  People know me would know I absolutely hate walking because it is boring and it takes forever! Aided with a dolgy pedometer and radio, it is slightly bearable! I absolultely enjoy BBC radio!

Now I am sitting in front of my laptop, waiting for the incubation of my RNA in situ slides to finish (it is in its last NBT/BCIP stage), feeling a bit tired and wish I could soak myself in a spa. PhD is a stressful job!

Better get back to whatever I should be doing.

Tata.

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  • May 19 Thu 2005 06:39
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  • May 17 Tue 2005 03:48
  • 老爸

昨晚 父女兩個都有點焦慮(anxious)

我打電話回家跟媽媽叨叨唸唸

媽說妳在緊張喔

真是知女莫若母

老爸在旁邊聽到了

說他要跟我講話

他知道我在為今天的presentation 緊張

and he asked to tell him what my project is about.

 

And I was like, ‘Dad, please!’

於是呢 我就結結巴巴 七零八落地解釋我的project

說真的  我的中文不是普通地爛  是真的很爛

大部分的東西我都不會用中文講

可是老爸聽得很有勁  還給我很多很好的意見

他說要外行人來看事情 看得比較清楚事情的茫點

 

上次有兩個台大的教授來愛丁堡

想跟這裡的台灣學生聊聊

我一直不想去  因為擔心用中文講science 根本不會講

老爸聽到馬上說怎麼不會講

他今天終於知道他二女兒中文實在是

 

老爸要回台灣  說要幫我找個包包

我真的買不到適合的包包: 要裝得下我的paper, writing pad,  午餐  Nature magazine, 梳子, Diary, 和一堆有的沒有的

所以呢 一直到現在我還是背backpack

實在很沒有女人味

老爸問我要什麼樣的

我說我要餃子包  和櫻桃包

老實講  我只知道櫻桃包在台灣很紅(LV 的東西吧

餃子包是我在網路上看到的名詞  覺得有趣就記下來了

到底長什麼樣也不清楚

老爸聽得一頭霧水

於是我又說那我要台灣女主播背的那種包包好了

老爸幾乎昏倒  他說妳怎麼知道人家主播背什麼包

說的也是

所以呢  我大概知道我會拿到什麼樣的包了

老爸心目中的好包包決對是品質實用第一  樣子其次

That means… it probably will look very ugly but it will last for a long time.

 

I thought the conversation was rather funny….

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好久沒有 had the whole day off,

中午買束漂亮的花 去看一位剛生baby 的同事

She looks good!

She said it is definitely a change of life!

 

走過草原旁, 櫻花盛開.

baby 很可愛,  天空藍色的眼睛,  她媽媽驕傲地說現在顏色還沒變的話, 就表示不會變了, (外國寶寶出生時很多都是藍眼睛, 但是幾週以後就會變) 但是可愛的James以後會是藍眼睛金頭髮的大帥哥喔! 他媽媽說他會是 a heart breaker! (haha!)

 

回家後決定放自己假,  雖然實驗室有一堆事,  下禮拜又要presentation…

決定洗手做蛋糕 一洗前恥!! 上次的烤焦了 變成整棟樓的teasing的對象

是覆盆子蘋果蛋糕 (raspberry and apple cake)! 這次總算成功了  沒有焦 也沒有給我漏氣地塌下來!!  

(AH!! 我真是天才!)

剛才跑去看正在蒸的油飯 沒錯  我自己做油飯耶 還真的很像油飯  只不過是雞肉的 

一個下午的時間  我還整理房間 吸地 洗浴室 和熨衣服 我最討厭吸塵和ironing-我很沒耐性的哩! (By the way, it is worth to mention that I also made myself a cup of latte!) 

 

明天早上抱著蛋糕去上班  大概不能跑步上班囉  (看到蛋糕裡的butter, 沒本錢的我還是不要碰的好) 沒錯!  這個禮拜我不但走路,還跑了兩天去上班,  用走的話要走一個小時,  用跑的(跑一半走一半)35 分鐘 ! 把包包條緊, 我就很酷地跑過愛丁堡最繁忙的街,  跑過西裝畢挺, 卻眉頭深鎖的上班公車族,  也許明天也許有人會放棄公車,  加入跑步!

Most of them would stare at me and look rather concerned, wondering whether this poor girl is going to drop dead every minute.  My face is discoloured and I can’t help but run past the crowd, panting.

 

Well, I can only get better!!

 

 

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I was with friends at a Pub after work, but still felt lonely...

I did three rounds of drinking at the pub before moving  to the next one.

It was not like the usual me.

I was with friends at a BBQ, but still felt lonely...

I didn't stop people from topping up my glass and ended up drinking a bottle of wine each!

It was well beyond being 'tipsy'!

A 'wasted' weekend...

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  • Mar 28 Mon 2005 00:46
  • Lab

昨天meeting老闆說

大家實驗要好好作

今年我們經費不太夠

趕快搞篇大的丟一丟

今天RNA很難抽

搞來搞去只有1.6

我早就懷疑這個clone

到底學長有沒有挑錯

最後PCR還是照作

果然出來沒有好結果

離開實驗室要偷偷摸摸

遇到老闆不知從何開口

我說明天天氣應該很不錯

老闆說你的data應該也不錯

我說我還沒分析很難說

心想晚上又要回來重作

老闆老闆他搖搖頭

他說實驗要有始有終

拿到data要趕快弄

不要拖到明天過後

親愛的老闆我有苦衷

只是我不敢對你說

其實我的資質很普通

不像老闆你什麼都懂

我的data已經累積很多

趕快編個故事投一投

先把學位弄到手

我不敢肖想Science Nature

Written by a friend of mine~~~~~~~

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家裡發生好多事情, 

雖然我不相信什麼沖太歲之類的東西,但是接二連三的不如意讓我不得不說去年真的不好過...

先是我和他分手了,  這對我的影響很大, 我不相信真愛了. 

再來是實驗室一堆風風雨雨, 有時不想捲入, 但是到頭來自己就變成那個被雨濺得最濕的人.

(還有一堆事情 不想去想了)

 

一直到了快過年的時候, 家裡發生許多不好的事情,  先是爺爺摔倒, 割傷手臂 縫了好多針, 還有點感染.  再來就是奶奶生病了, 情況不好,  就在家裡一團亂, 大家心裡都很難過的時候, 台灣的外婆摔傷, 撞倒頭, 昏迷住加護病房, 媽媽心亂如麻 馬上趕回去,  nz的家亂到不行了! 

趕回nz看奶奶, 心裡很難過, 想到許多小時候的事, 奇怪的是, 記憶裡的都是美好快樂的回憶... 

奶奶現在須要全天有人看護,  小時候她為我做的事, 我現在也要為她做,  洗澡換衣上廁所吃飯etc, 剛開始有點難為情,  後來就習慣了,  映證了聖經上所說人若不回到小孩子的樣子 斷不能進天國.  奶奶笑起來的樣子真的很像baby,只是臉上已經讓歲月留下了痕跡... 

一連串的檢驗, 和醫生會談, 在奶奶情況最不好的時候, 大家守在醫院, 看著幾個代表呼吸心跳數字,  想到聖經上又說,誰能用思想使歲數增加一日呢?

心裡難過, 卻要打起精神,  生老病死 生離死別 悲歡離合...

 

昨天回到英國, 好冷喔,  想念nz 耀眼的陽光和溫暖的夏天, 想家耶...  想起實驗室一堆事情, 頭大!  心裡好想逃避,  只想靠在媽媽身邊,  雖然知道擔心幫不了家裡的忙,卻沒有辦法停止掛念家人,  在飛機上看著星星, 想著心事... 

 

我得再去蒙著頭睡一大覺,  再去面對那令人頭痛的問題.....

 

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Summary of things achieved today:

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